Under Construction

We purchased our home about 5 years ago. I remember walking through the 3 bedrooms upstairs and picturing rooms filled with children. A very vivid image of me holding a newborn on the porch and of my husband toting strollers and bags from the car.

It was where we would create a home, where we planned to build a life.

When we moved in I only redid our bedroom. It didn’t make sense to redo what would someday be the nursery to only redo it again when I got pregnant.

Over the years the house has surely updated and changed. I love it more with every passing day. The memories are beautiful and so much has been accomplished behind these four walls. However, 5 years later and still those spare rooms were empty, old, and in need of love.

I used them for storage and closest space. In one room sat the giant stuffed giraffe my mother purchased for me last Mothers Day. When I returned home from Pittsburgh and learned of our failed IVF cycle in September, opening the door to the spare rooms broke my heart. The room was just another thing stuck in a time of hope and “some days.”

As we approached the holidays it became unbearable. Opening the door always ended in tears. This old dusty room was like looking inside my uterus – so much potential but nothing happening. The Giraffe stared at me hopeful and ready for a baby and each time I’d have to playfully tell him “no Jeffrey not yet.”

The week before Thanksgiving I had an idea and knew exactly what I was going to do to make that room feel like part of the home. I was going to create my baby’s nursery. Yes, absolutely – you read that right. I was going to create a nursery for a child who was not yet conceived.

I went to Tom and told him how painful looking at the unfinished room had been over the last few months. I told him I needed to see something positive. He did what I expected him to do and told me “whatever you need, if it makes you happy – do it.” It is rare that my husband ever tells me “no.” He says it’s because he loves me so much but I think it’s because he knows what I need and when I need it.

So I went to my brother who has been doing construction his whole life because well my father owns a Construction company. I told him “I need your help, will you gut the room and make it a nursery?”

His eyes got big. I reassured him “no I’m not pregnant – just a little crazy.” He shrugged his shoulders and said “Yes, whatever you want.”

Like that construction in the new room began. He tore the walls  down to the studs, everything would be new. He has spent the last few months coming over on a Saturday to get it finished and ready for that someday baby. I’ve watched him look over every detail, stain the trim with his own hands, paint the perfect stripes on the wall where the crib will go, install the baby safe plugs and gate, and just be there for me as a brother.

He let me be excited and share my ideas of where I’ll put my baby stuff. Never made me feel crazy, gave me advice as a parent himself and reminded me we will need to secure all of the furniture. He played along and did not exclude me from the parents club even though I didn’t have a ticket of admission.

The rest of my family thought I had really went off the deep end. Between telling them I was finishing the baby’s nursery and having an infertility photo shoot- well they all wondered if I really was doing okay?

My mother asked “are you sure you want to complete that room? Wont it only make you more sad?” I told her that I wasn’t sure there was a state of mind that could be “more sad.”

I feel connected and aligned with the process. No-one understood how beautiful and wonderful this space will become but I know. It is like Gods plan for us. Sometimes were simply under construction.  Sometimes the walls are bare, sometimes we are gutted, sometimes we need to be torn and broken to be built back up and complete the grand plan. Though it’s hard to see a finished product beneath the rubble the vision has always been there. As I watched the room go through each stage and listened to the doubt in those who couldn’t understand I realized life is not much different. Perhaps my story is just like this room. God has a plan even if I can’t envision the possibilities.

There were weeks I didn’t look at the room  but as we began our second IVF cycle- well I’ve peered in a few times a day. I can’t help but think that the room will be done just about the time I’ll find out if I’m pregnant. If I’m not pregnant it will remain a spare bedroom for guest and If I am all I will need is a crib.

Either way that empty feeling of looking at a room in desperate need of help is gone. Even if it doesn’t hold my child 9 months from today – it’s progress somewhere, a next step, a place that I can go and be with what is…

So for now as any great finished project ever started –  “under construction.” 

P.S. I plan to share the pictures of the finished room in upcoming weeks.